if i told you the truth it would sound something like this,
i don't like the feeling of bare skin on leather couches or getting cramp in my feet.
i used to have these bruises on my ribs, but it's so long ago now that i cannot even remember how i got them in the first place
so really there wasn't much point in telling you that.
i've never missed a train. but last week i did. and almost once again today.
"you spend all your life waiting for a train then three come along at once."
wait - no that's not right.
i get brief scars that wish they were more permanent,
and presently i will have more bruises than i can count and more stories that go nowhere but all end with me falling asleep somewhere cold and waking up wanting orange juice.
really - i'm just being silly when i take lot's of photographs.
the sun is usually setting, and i don't even know how the flash works and
i'll never get them developed anyway.
i have too many negatives hanging from the walls and ceiling in my room.
i don't know why. they just make me sad.
i don't drink coffee. but i like writing about it,
and even if could justify paying i wouldn't go to star bucks and sit there all day.
i'd feel ugly and pretentious.
and so i don't drink coffee.
but i like the smell of it. and cigarettes.
i'm probably a hypocrite.
but i'm sure everyone is sometimes.
or maybe they're just a good liar?
i like acting because it's not putting my persona on the line.
it's just making people smile or laugh or cry. and if i'm honest
it's quite empowering.
and if i'm really honest, i love crying on stage because i can say
"it's okay, i'm only acting"
and the people will smile or laugh or cry.
there's this place called "skeleton junction",
in which the train never stops.
but i had this thought that if i wasn't on a train -
and if were wearing better shoes, that i might climb over the railings,
and i could just lie there on the grass.
drinking with the skeletons.
but when i sat and actually thought about it, i was rather fucking scared
one time my mother told me how her best friends coat got caught in closing doors, and she was dragged off the platform, stuck down the side of a moving train and nearly impaled on the tracks.
and ever since i can remember, i've always been terrified of falling down that gap as i get on trains, and walking on the outside part of the pavement when there's heavy traffic.
i used to jump awake at silly times in the morning and sometimes i still do.
though i have to admit it's really not as often.
sometimes i can't even read my own writing and my wrists hurt from holding books and turning pages.
i like the even numbers best,
but doesn't everybody?
i am fascinated by conspiracy theories, though i really don't know enough about anything to have a valid opinion. and i'm not sure i ever will.
i dislike swearing in front of children, and often i will smile at strangers.
i twist things to make them humorous, and usually it works.
i have this terrible feeling that there's going to be a awkward silence at my funeral and someone will whisper,
"are we supposed to clap or something?"